Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER