Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER