I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER






