The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER