Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER