Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER