I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER