My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER