My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






