I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER