If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






