A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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