In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER