The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER






