Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER