Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER