I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER