When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER