… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER