When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER






