My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER