Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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