I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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