I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER