I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERAim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER






