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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Rodney Dangerfield

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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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