“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I am Dracula, and I bid you welcome . . .

Never assume you know where someone else is coming from.

I had Halloween parties every year, as it was my birthday five days before. My parents would actually put prosthetic noses on, and my dad would wear a top-hat and tails, put on a fake curly moustache, and hold a pipe.

The artist must bow to the monster of his own imagination.

There is nothing funny about Halloween.

This is a comment on fear. Today it’s like ‘They’re going to bomb the New York subway and there’s the avian flu and 50 million of us are going to die.’

We wanted to make fun of that fear-based culture we’ve been plunged into. And Halloweens the perfect metaphor for fear.

I’m cool with people dressing up as Eleven for Halloween. I definitely want to open my door and give them candy.