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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Halloween Kind Life Look Parent Sent

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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

All Antier Chocolate Cook Got Mae Mouse Stuck Throat Wife
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Each Other Every Goe never Night Nothing Psychiatrist Right Seen Sex Wife
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Again Boyfriend Broke Her Marriage Trock Up Wife
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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Another Come Day Girl Home Nobody Over Phone
Life is just a bowl of pits.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Bowl Just Life Pit
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Ask Birth Boy Control One Poster Year
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Everyone Fruit Hear Met Morning Ridiculous Underwear Yet
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Back Car Drive Want Wife
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Bee Butcher Kid Told Wife
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Country Dog Every Leave Pyramid Room Some
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Family Found Look Nap Tree Was
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Everyone Fruit Laugh Loom Met Morning Underwear
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Born I Morning Mother Sickness
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Asleep Blind Day Face Kid Library Man One Pimple Plenty Raed Wake
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Another Came Cement Felt Hand Neighborhood Real Some Tough
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Frink Last Much Olive Sample Time Too
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Come Drink Go Juice Prune Take Viagra
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Always Found Kid Move Parent
If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

All Life Pick Pocket Sex
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Calendar Day Get Jealous Look May Other Ridiculous Want Wife
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Dog Family Found Look Three Tree
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Fight Full Hope Man Reform Seventy Still Twenty Want
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Brown Sie Told Uncle Wear Wish Yellow
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Halloween Kind Life Look Parent Sent
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Dog Drink Glass Kiss Lip Married Stay Tough Wife
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Happy Met Twenty Wife Year
My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Ben Big Clock Country Cousin Find Gay

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