With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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