Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
RODNEY DANGERFIELDOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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