“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Many contemporary authors drink more than they write.

Love is magic, love is tragic. It is the air we breathe and the poison we drink.

My God, so much I like to drink Scotch that sometimes I think my name is Igor Stra-whiskey.

Ale, man, ale’s the stuff to drink for fellows whom it hurts to think.

And malt does more than Milton can to justify God’s ways to man.

Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.

The best kind of wine is that which is most pleasant to him who drinks it.

Joy all creatures drink At nature’s bosoms.