When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






