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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Cat Cover Kept Me Play Sandbox Up

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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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