When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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