“When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.