“I don’t like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that’s the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don’t do a ton of it.”

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan – thin, slow, and it leaks.

I didn’t get where I am today by worryin’ about how I’d feel tomorrow.

I could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

I’ve never been one to look up the ladder. I’ve always looked down the ladder. As long as there’s one guy down there, I’m fine.

I’ve been married a few times. I’m not good at it.

If you become famous and don’t have a live show to back it up, they’re not going to pay you any money.

I’ve asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don’t understand it. But I don’t understand a lot of things.

I don’t know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn’t have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

The next time you have a thought… let it go.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling.

I have a very fun life. I don’t recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

We always go out looking for live music after our shows.

I was always a funny guy. I don’t think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn’t a funny guy when they were young.

Shakespeare wrote without knowing he would become Shakespeare

The prestige you acquire by being able to tell your friends that you know famous men proves only that you are yourself of small account.

And I want to do it the right way, like everybody else, not just a famous figurehead that gets a job because he is a famous basketball player. I want to really learn the business.

I’ve never not been famous.

Everybody wants to be famous, but nobody wants to do the work.

I was the most famous kid in the United States. That was 1936.

Wanting to be an actor and wanting to be famous are different.

What I’ve said before, only half in joke, is that everybody in Ireland is famous. Or, maybe better, say everybody is familiar.