I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
ALAN KINGOne morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
More Alan King Quotes
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
ALAN KING






