It’s not easy being a father, but I’ve been allowed a comeback.
ALAN KINGOne morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
More Alan King Quotes
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator…
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.
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If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
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We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
ALAN KING -
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
ALAN KING