My mother’s sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.
ALAN KINGOne morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
More Alan King Quotes
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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