That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
ALAN KINGI was a high school throw-out.
More Alan King Quotes
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Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or ‘stage’ Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.
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It’s more fun with someone who really likes it. I can’t imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.
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My mother kept the house clean and we ate good.
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And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody?
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Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.
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Modesty is not one of my virtues.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.
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When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
ALAN KING