“I was a high school throw-out.”

Comedy is an amazing calling. Once you get that first laugh, it’s hard to turn away.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

I had a sympathetic role in ‘thirtysomething,’ and in two weeks I’m going to do the role again.

One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

I made it, Ma – Carnegie Hall. And I didn’t have to practice.

One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’

We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That’s what the trees are all about.

For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.

Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.

Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.

Let’s face it: It’s difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.

As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.

I go out there and get my eyes gouged, my nose busted, my body slammed. I love the pain of the game.

It has turned out to be an annus horribilis.

Five out, zero in, and that’s the way we play basketball, screen and roll here and there, pocket passes everywhere; it’s what it’s about.

I always want to win because I never want to sit out on the sidelines outside.

It’s his show and I’m just trying to make him look good. If we were the same age there might be a little tension, but I’m on my way out… I am here to serve your every need, King James.

The future is carved out of the present moment. Tomorrow’s harvest depends upon today’s ploughing and sowing.

I think it’s fine for girls to ask boys out. I actually prefer it.

She wished there was some place where she could go to hum it out loud. Some kind of music was too private to sing in a house cram fall of people. It was funny, too, how lonesome a person could be in a crowded house.