“You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.”

Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.

Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.

The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I’ve done so much morning radio that I won’t be overwhelmed by it, but it’s still going to be a challenge.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.

I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format.

I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don’t have a compelling host then you have nothing.

The truth is we’re all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else’s book.

I’m a comedian, not a politician.

I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.

You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.

The pace of radio is very fast. Boom, boom, with a little six minute segment, then on to the next thing. With podcasts you can talk about something for 25 minutes if you like – there is a lot of artistic freedom with it.

He doesn’t sound like a guy who’s done a onesome, let alone a threesome.