“I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.”

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.

We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.

Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

My motto is “more mystery, less history”.

Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.

I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .

I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

And that’s it; that’s why I want to teach; that’s the one and only compensation: to make a permanent difference in the life of a child.

The difference between trying and doing is one leads to success, while the other leads to excuses.

Many people do not understand the difference between peace and a peace treaty. If you want to have real peace with normal relations between people, you need to have comprehensive peace.

You know what the difference between a vision and a hallucination is? They call it a vision when other people can see it.

The biggest difference between Kennedy and Nixon, as far as the press is concerned, is simply this: Jack Kennedy really liked newspaper people and he really enjoyed sparring with journalists.

There are many differences between medicine and teaching, but they have much in common. Both involve craft and personal expertise, learned through experience; but both can be informed by the experience of others.

There’s a huge difference between being in love and being in love with the thought of love. Recognize the difference. Never settle.

Out of the thousand writers huffing and puffing through movieland there are scarcely fifty men and women of wit or talent.