I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPSThe Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
EMO PHILIPS