“I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?”

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Your body is not your art – it’s your paintbrush. Whether your paintbrush is a tall paintbrush or a thin paintbrush or a stocky paintbrush or a scratched up paintbrush is completely irrelevant.

I have far more confidence in the one man who works mentally and bodily at a matter than in the six who merely talk about it.

Mentally, I have to get my body and mind in the right place before I start the routine, but once into the zone, it’s like I turn on a switch. I envision myself doing the same thing for the Olympic Games.

I propose to distinguish these bodies by calling those anions which go to the anode of the decomposing body; and those passing to the cathode, cations; and when I have occasion to speak of these together, I shall call them ions.

You touch me and my bones tremble.

I fought, I fought harder, but one cell at a time, panic crept into my body, taking me over.

I wanted to get really fit. I wanted to lose some weight. So I’ve been doing Pilates and yoga, trying to lean out my body so I won’t be bulky.

The body is but a vessel to carry the soul. A container ship to protect it as it passes through this world.