My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPSI used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPSI’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPSAlways remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPSI took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPSThe Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPSMy classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS