“I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.”

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

Two showers a day and I’m still a thousand more from washing you away.

We broke away from each other like clouds after a storm. But the sun never reappeared for me and I don’t know what to do with all this rain.

May God keep you away from the venom of the cobra, the teeth of the tiger, and the revenge of the Afghans.

Whatever I feel is not a choice, but dwelling on it is, so I stand up and walk and walk and walk a w a y.

Fellow, stand away from my diagram.

I pushed you away like the ocean does to the tides, but we always come back together whether it rains or shines.

Its easier to say love doesn’t come to you rather than explaining why you push it away.

Some go, some stay, but, darling, I wish you never go away.