I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPS