When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSSo I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPSI told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPSYou know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
EMO PHILIPSI caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPSComputers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPSPeople come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPSMy classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPSMy mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSProbably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPSMy computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPSAll the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPSThe battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS