“I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?”

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?

Death is nature’s way of killing you.

In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’

Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

I still got bars, I just use ’em differently. I’d say I’m a better singer than I am a rapper at this point because I’ve been sharpening my sword.

The shame of being a man – is there any better reason to write?

How sternly we reproach virtue for its failings, how indulgent we are to the better qualities of vice!

It is better to have a prosaic husband and to take a romantic lover.

Substantial progress toward better things can rarely be taken without developing new evils requiring new remedies.

Radio, which was a much better medium than television will ever be, was easy and pleasant to listen to. Your mind filled automatically with images.