My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSI took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSComputers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPSThe other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPSIf an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPSI’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
EMO PHILIPSYou don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPSSome mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPSI’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPSNow there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPSI caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
EMO PHILIPSHow many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSI asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPSAll the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS