How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSI used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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