“One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.”

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

Often you see people on the red carpet with tight up-dos, but that makes me feel stiff.

I’m always on a red carpet . . . the other day I thought, this ain’t bad. You can meet people on it.

We need objects to remind us of the commitments we’ve made. That carpet from Morocco reminds us of the impulsive, freedom-loving side of ourselves we’re in danger of losing touch with. Beautiful furniture gives us something to live up to. All designed objects are propaganda for a way of life.

Most of our childhood is stored not in photos, but in certain biscuits, lights of day, smells, textures of carpet.

It’s easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.

I love to love. However, you won’t see anybody walking the red carpet with me until I’m married.

When we look closely, or when we become weavers, we learn of the tiny multiple threads unseen in the overall pattern, the knots on the underside of the carpet

There is no ‘the truth’,’a truth’ – truth is not one thing, or even a system. It is an increasing complexity. the pattern of the carpet is a surface.