My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPSA computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS