“I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.”

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.

I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.

You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.

Man’s highest duty is to protect animals from cruelty.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

People are beginning to see that the first requisite to success in life is to be a good animal.

Animals are near and dear to my heart, and I’ve devoted my life to trying to improve their lives.

Animals do not admire each other. A horse does not admire its companion.

The shadow escapes from the body like an animal we had been sheltering.

I’ve worked with Morris Animal Foundation for more than 40 years now, and I’m so proud of all they’ve done to advance veterinary medicine for animals worldwide.