IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
AMBROSE BIERCEFuture. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
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You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
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RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
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Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
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Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
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They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.
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The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.
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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.
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War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
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Alliance – in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
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Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
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PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
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Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
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