“Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.”

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Knowledge is the small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify.

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Don’t steal; thou’lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.

A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.

True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.

So far as I ever observed God’s dealings with my soul, the flights of preachers sometimes entertained me, but it was Scripture expressions which did penetrate my heart, and in a way peculiar to themselves.

The choices of roles I made had to do with educating and entertaining. And as a result I found myself working only every two or three years.

Those scientists who dislike entertaining contradictory thoughts are unlikely to enrich their science with new ideas.

More than an actor, I am a performer. I’m a great believer – honestly so, shamelessly so, vulgarly so – that cinema is for entertainment. If you want to send messages, there’s the postal service.

Who knows most, doubts most; entertaining hope means recognizing fear.

My fortune somewhat resembled that of a person who should entertain an idea of committing suicide, and, altogether beyond his hopes, meet with the good hap to be murdered.

Prisoners are the greatest audience that an entertainer can perform to.

Whatever is underneath all the drag, it actually doesn’t really matter. It kind of just matters, are you a great entertainer? And are you nice to work with? Are you good at your job?