You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian, but it probably helps.
AMBROSE BIERCEA person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
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Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
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Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
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REFLECTION,n: An Action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.
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In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
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Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
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Optimism – the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
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Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
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A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
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ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
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Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
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RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
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Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
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