Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
AMBROSE BIERCEEdible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
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Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
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Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
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Fidelity – a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.
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ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.
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Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.
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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
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IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
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Optimism – the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
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Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
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Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no gills.
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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Perseverance – a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
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