History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
AMBROSE BIERCELIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
More Ambrose Bierce Quotes
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MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
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Scriptures – The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
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Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
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The partisan strife in which the people of the country are permitted to periodically engage does not tend to the development of ugly traits of character, but merely discloses those that preexist.
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Forgetfulness – a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.
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Wine, madam, is God’s next best gift to man.
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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.
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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
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Consul – in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
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Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
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Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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