“You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what’s current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.”

I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it’s much too confining.

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

The road to success is always under construction.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.

I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

Growing up in Michigan was fine, until I realized where I was.

I still believe that sex is dirty. It’s just that now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

When I’ve had a meltdown, people will say to me, “Well, you failed to keep your sense of humor.”

I seem to have no dress sense at all. I’m always being listed in New York among one of the ten worst dressed men of the year. Someone once described me as “looking like an unmade bed.” He was right!

It’s funny, our beauty standard has become harder and tougher because we live in a tough age. I don’t think anyone wants to walk down the street and feel vulnerable. You want to walk down the street and feel like you’re in control.

It’s the humidity reminding me why I barely straighten my hair for me.

Funny thing about the mind, It can trap and free you at the same time.

It’s sad to be constantly judged for every move you make after your first success. If you wear your hair differently, you have changed.

The missed call and call back drama between men and women deserves its own user mannual.

Eight days ago, we were the toast of the town. Eight days later we’re Thanksgiving turkeys.

They teach anything in universities today. You can major in mud pies.