You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTI went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT