“I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.”

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.

During the Depression, my dad made radios to sell to make extra money. Nobody had any money to buy the radios, so he would trade them for dogs. He built kennels in the backyard, and he cared for the dogs.

I have my golden retriever now, Pontiac. He’s a career-change guide dog from Guide Dogs for the Blind.

All the dogs I have are German shepherds from Germany, and I fly them back to Germany to show them.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

I have a dog. It’s an English mastiff called Dolly. Her middle name is Poppy.

I wanted a house near my family in a quiet neighborhood with a front yard and a backyard that my dog will like.

It is dog friendly nail polish, before we even go there because I know that is an issue. She’s a bulldog, she needs all the help she can get. We’ve tried to feminize her a little bit and make her feel sexy!

There is no greater feeling than hanging out with my dogs, or just walking around the land with our horses. My rescue ranch is is where I feel the most at peace and where I’m reminded of the simple things in life and let the chaos of my crazy work life fade away.