Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
NORM MACDONALDThere are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
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The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
NORM MACDONALD