Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
NORM MACDONALDThere are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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You can’t love your team without hating another team.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
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Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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Ever see this? It’s a homeless guy but he’s got a dog… The dog’s really thrilled with this idea. The dog’s going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.
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Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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Few people love with the violence they hate.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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