“If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?”

I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training, for it trains people as to how they shall think.

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence that could support this.

Men are the devils of the earth, and the animals are the tormented souls.

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.

Animals hear about death for the first time when they die.

Those little paws gifted me the galaxy of a sweet home.

Don’t let anyone tame the wild horses that stampede inside your heart.

But the life of a man is of no greater importance to the universe than that of an oyster.