When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT