Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHT