Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.
NORM MACDONALDThey say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.
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A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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I don’t have any ambition.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
NORM MACDONALD