Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHTPlan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Clones are people two.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT