Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHTNo one is listening until you make a mistake.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
STEVEN WRIGHT