One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTNo one is listening until you make a mistake.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT