One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHTI intend to live forever. So far, so good.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT






