If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT