Half the people you know are below average.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT






