I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTThere’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHT