How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
STEVEN WRIGHTI was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
STEVEN WRIGHT