Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT