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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Listening Mistake Yourself
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Day Life Yourself
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Flight Leaving One Liner Yourself
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Addiction Difference Myself Quit
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Angry Depression Enthusiasm One Liner Perspective Sick
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Destroy Evidence Success Try Yourself
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Company Game Myself Thinking Wrong
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Conscience Funny Sleep Time
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Coffee Myself Time
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Break Up Imagination Myself Relationship
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Appearance Imagination Phone Weird Yourself
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Distance Time Walk Yourself
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Appointment Dental Eat Herself Time Visit Wait
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Bill Country Freedom Funny Phone Talk

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