No one is listening until you make a mistake.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
STEVEN WRIGHT