If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHTI couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHT