I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTI couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
STEVEN WRIGHT






