When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHTI was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTPlan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHTI installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
STEVEN WRIGHTAlways remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
STEVEN WRIGHTAll those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHTYou know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHTMonday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHT