Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHTWhen I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT