There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT






