If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT