Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHTIs it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHT






