I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT